some minutes of memory

sometimes I disgusted of sex, why those people always talk about it as they are talking about something extraordinary ?! the sex is just instinct and it's doesn't worth all this talk ! I say enough, there are a lot of things worth our meditation and philosophy, the people who claim to be free see that the sex is a first thing must be a detached, as if the sex wasn't detaches someday ! the reactionaries are afraid the sex as if it's some ghost, and at the same time they are obsessed with it... hey people! the sex is a natural thing no more, sometimes you can fuck, sometimes I can fuck, sometimes all we can get the fuck, but not everyday, the life is so short, we must do everything sometimes if we want to do everything!

this is some scribble:

some minutes of memory,

I want body, I want love...

and in this street, I want more of burning rain

I want perfume, I want Oud 

I want courtyard where the white storks have meeting around its fountain

from the depths of my heart, I can say sorry !

and when the time is sunset,I want to see a dove

holds my words toward my princess's cloud...

this feeling fills me with love and longing 

that narrow long alley, that the old windows spread in its edges 

and the stairs of houses too

I climb up this stair, and get off of that, I continue to play...

like any angel was flying...

the sister and me, we were racing, and hiding among hedges

sometimes we were eating our cookies,

other times we were mimicking the sound of coo

we were brawling with each other,

then we were forgetting and going far away

we didn't tire, the memory still filling me with peace 

that alley was telling us about new house news 

that we will see in it some people like dews 

that we will eat in it some candy like the moon's face

that we will play between its walls the hidden game 

and some sweet melody flowing between the doors

it was stealing our minutes 

the night has come quickly holds the stars flame

it was holding us on the stories wing 

my grandmother was making us forget all the boors 

with her stories, I still hear them such as ring

and we sleep a long time until the morning 

away from the bustle of facts...

I dig in the memory graves, I find myself among the ally

I burned the stages, when I was looking for that sects

now I'm looking in its folds for harlot body

who can burn my ribs slowly

actually who can dives between my ribs and my affects 

for some time, I spat on me

before that I recover my trust

this is the life, like playing, like sex, like smoking

don't put many questions 

don't thing

you must be looking for another pleasure minute 

between the minutes... 

the solution to boredom

I know the life be bored sometimes, for this we find some people talk in a sleepy way... and they watch the life from darkness angle. me too, the major reason for this it's the psychological case of the person, this case comes from the family and the street, in general from the general environment, the environment in our countries is so terrible. the rights is lost, you can't fuck easily, you can't cut your hair as you like, you can't dress the clothes that you prefer, you can't drink the beer in the street, you can't be an atheist between these people, the atheist is a consort of the evil, infidelity,... and many things else.

for all these you can't feel that you are alive, so you kill your time, you become interested in bullshits, you don't find anything important to do, and finally you feel bored...

isn't that a bad fuckin' life ? I know it is... so what the solution ? there are a lot of solutions you can do, the first is reading, just read anything you find, read the philosophy books, porno books, yellow press, any shit it doesn't matter, the main idea is read... then you will find your mind is begin to grow, with days you will be another person, the person who can understand the life what its problems, the solutions for these problems. and with reading you would be better if you register the new informations, for me I try to do so at every opportunity, all that it can help you to exit of this hell.

the life worth living, these words from some friend and for me too, I hope that he can read them, anyway I will to tell him all these words when I see him. goodnight everybody.

Do RI Mi

such as the flow of the wind

or the flow of the music

I didn't distinguish the rhythm 

like the bubble when it travels away

like the twitter of two birds over some brook 

like the camp days

the rhythm was a informer about another death 

a wretch and bibber stood up in front of the death foretold court for pleading in respect of a fate nation

the rhythm was creeping quietly between the streams 

it sprinkles a cold on lava heart

it converses with a sense full of childhood

the arteries of memories detained this sense for years

the departure be a sweet when the pain pulls my neck

the departure be a sweet through the breezes in a strut

and a womanly fondness

and another death announces a life

letter to my mother

I'm sorry mom, I didn't mean to explode in your face. but I tired of everything even myself. of the presence of me in this shake situation. of my father continued provocations; who refuses any attempt I do it in order to configure myself. I'm tired of loneliness where I live. I'm tired of this goodness that brought me a lot of problems. I'm tired of the repeated mistakes that contributed this mood that I live.

remember well the only thing that prevents me from committing suicide it's that you and small children that I love them so much. I'm tired of everything, I hate this city and everything related to it. I hate the people, I hate myself, and the way of my father that he created me, I hate this way that made us apart, opposites... in everything. I can't get close to him nor was he able to win me, then he wins a honor helpful son be his right arm and his crown like he says.

why didn't I die until now despite the many disappointments ? hey dear mom you are the reason for my insisting to life. I inspire my patience from your patience. and I don't want it loses in vain. but; I need a little love and help; I need to push forward I'm alone unable to move I can't make something to myself and yours.

hey dear mom the life tougher than you think. and the wolves permanent roaming in our streets, the people have lost their solidarity. and the simples become like a stray gazelles here and there. they are looking for a lifeline. and their selfish clutching themselves made them dropped in the traps, and roasted by backburner, the life is more curse than you imagine, and this lord who you think are the savior and helper aggravated the situation more, and he didn't prove his goodness nor was he able a good like you and your maternity. this god won't help me and he won't solve loop from my problems. and the death-suicide is better than I sit a corner of the angles and I'm waiting for the release and divine hope ! which will never come ? the DH doesn't come from its own and the sky isn't raining gold.

the life is damn, and love when it settles in a fragile heart become malignant cancer. I couldn't tell you my story with her because I wasn't stand on a solid ground will allow me to disclose, our story of the year accumulated a lot of events and memories good and bad... how mush I loved her and how mush her love burrowed my ribs until I became I want to grab this damn heart maybe the weight of love weakens and maybe I can come back until my previous days... but noway noway! I endured for the sake of love a lot of harm, insult, and whirlwinds. I've become the human and the angel every time, that he rushes for toward forgiveness the sin and  subsidy, I gift her the love, the time, and the money; I gift her everything and I made myself a hostage in her hands; she couldn't rises until my world, she couldn't understand this love that I was raining her by it, but she has managed to kill me to tear my heart and to bring me back until Zero.

the words ends quickly and they can't  accommodates this massive sleeve of bullshit, sickness, disgust, weariness, and the heavy sadness that it chokes my breaths. where to escape from all this ? to who I resort ? to the silent god ? or friend day who maybe will become tomorrow enemy ? to the tardy sister ? or you mom ? or I shut my mouth and sear my lung by this cheap cigarettes ? even I finish like any mean sleeps over sidewalk ? is this life ? so what the difference between it and the death ?   

the headache of accounts !!!

I looked very stupid this morning, accounts, accounts, fuck these accounts !! I looked a stupid because it's a second time when I committed a mistake in the accounts... and the girl that is working in our shop corrected this mistake for the second time. bad position!

the big problem for me is : this mistake happened in a something unsavory, it comes to recharge cards, for this I fucked myself... sometimes I become a jackass, fuck

the life is so sick

I stop writing my notes maybe because the boredom, I want nothing now, maybe just going to sleep, maybe I don't know, pff the life is so sick, all things die in the evening, just me and that strange music, that it's coming from the past depths, how much I interact with their, a music made me bigger all these years...

anybody knows how I feel now? I feel ill tonight, the hurt come from my belly, I hate this feeling fuck! I hate to feel this, it's like the fire when it get out from the mouth of the volcano, with the pus and the pain, I don't know any shit about that ? and I always ask myself what the fuck is going on ? I hate this feeling so much it's make me remember the end...

whatever I resist that foul feeling, I imagine it like a vile man and I kill him one million time everyday, like he do with me, I fuck him every time, after that I sear him... I won't surrender to him, but he will... the jackass doesn't know that I'm Phoenix, I'm immortal like God and Devil and Death... after those fuck the world !!

the living death

why my mood is bad now? because I didn't find anything can help me for to get out of this case ! my father didn't make me a good man for that hard cases, for this I can't do many things alone... like the shit, I'm a loser family owner ! I'm a stupid alive, but I'm not the reason! it's daddy!! that fuckin' jerk, who made me like this... he taught me the failure since the childhood, now; I'm cold like the death, I can't move activity, in my depths I hate the god of the life !!! this hatred is black like the scary night, Chopin helps, smoking too... fucking the times also, taste the pain, it's make you feel it sweet, sweet because you want to chastise yourself for its weakness.

nothing just black white !!

that white black faces, that arrival faces from the darkness, from the past... one look at them make me swim in a vast worlds, I feel the life travels through a different seasons. I feel the fragrant of history lives into myself. I say all the stories passes between my eyes... since the dawn of life until now. the white parts means the life, the happiness, the innocence... the other parts means the death, the sadness, the evil. this is the life every time, and thus is will. without change.

hey life how much you are strange... awful, you scare me, but I like you too... I can't leave you, because I'm your son, you bring me here, it's not me, I didn't choose you, but there is one question: why you leave the death take me ? or because you now there is another life there ? why you remain a silent ?

ain't that a crazy ? let's return to the original topic, it's called nothing, maybe its name everything. what's the most things in our life !

my situation is bad, so bad, no one can feel me... just me I can, I'm the man who lives without tomorrow, without plans, but he lives with nothing, with many lies, many tricks, with many shit...

I'm not exaggerating ! the case is a tragic. at least to me ! for this I can't blame the people who commit suicide ! although I don't have courage for do that... otherwise I would have committed suicide !!  

Tomorrow will be like the shit !! 

my first painting, in my gloomy evening

I will start drawing by an alphabet of water

I erase the stars and I put my rare tiers at their place... it's rare like the rarity of Wild Viola in snow white

My tiers raining pure, raining... like the rain, like the greats moaning 

Like my nostalgia to the winter's warmth

I erase the stars... the lights no longer dazzle me, and I make myself an extension to this night

Ambiguity is surrounding the silence... the poor hustle is in the silence... it's soaring... and soaring again...

The thick walls grabs the hustle, that the brilliant lord raised them, in order not To see the gloom... 

In order the gloom not to spoil his dinner...

Hey warmth !

My only saint ! my paradise lost...

I looked for you in all hearts, but I didn't find you, just a mosaic piece

or a painting surreal, unknown parameters and names

Hey faithful friend ! show me an address, a guides, a map, show me the innocence and the innocents 

Hug me to yours, and lower your wings to me,  who said the innocence is a right to children only ? 

I wish I was a child flying in an oil painting, around Virgin Mary...

I wish the Virgin helps me with  a real word, a mother's slap, that will restore the maturity to me...

And my childhood, and my friend

You, Oh warmth ! my heart became a corrosive coffin, contains...

Nothing; just the pieces

My wooden hands, my pale looks towards the sky,...

They are looking for a hidden thing between that swimming clouds...

It's you, the beauty  linked to you, it's the pink dictionary in the poets world ...

I feel weak, I feel yearning for you, even if I look sober in my steps,...

strict in my alphabets, lofty in my pride...

I often feel polar cold breaking my bones...

And is flaming myself by an eternal heartburn.

I'm waiting for you impatiently, pleas; don't disappoint me.

If the earth won't link us

I really hope the sky will.

    

a crazy looks

the attraction towards female is a mysterious thing for me, like the magic. and it forms in a many forms, it changes  depending on conditions, for example there is a relationship rounds around the body, there is too some relationships rounds around the mind or the soul or some mix between all these, but it stays a wonderful and nobody can lives without like these attractions.

it's a complex  relationship can't explain it easy, this attraction give us some feel called the love, or a desire in the love cover, everyone exposed to love, but; sometimes love become destroyer, makes the one lives in a illusions, maybe become a game in hands of friends to looking for fun, maybe it become not necessary. and often I forget what I want say ! sorry...

the girls are big problem, but the life it impossible without them, everyday you see some female body mesmerizes you, make you round around yourself bro ! but this feeling couples with the money! and the house; then comes the role of bed ! and I see the humanist nature requires the boredom from beauty things, and desire for change. but not in all cases, rare cases stays fixed with low-doses, I think this is finest case. 

oh how much I like the brunette female bodies ! huum I desire it and I like the strong looks that coming from girls, especially when it couples with the intelligent, I'm going to end some business and I don't know,... some game I want play it, maybe with one body or more! I will try and I will not lose much in all cases. you must know, when a man trusts a woman, who risked a lot !!

pufff baaad feelings

this morning, I listened to dad when he was talking to mom about me, in that moment I felt that one million devils were dancing into my bloods, because he stayed passes his bullshit as usual, and poor mom stayed silent, sometimes she defended me, but it was a defense closer to the silence, her problem is her faith, and her weakness in front of him...

in that moment I wanted open the door of my room  and go towards him, and break his fuckin' head, but I busted my nerves, after he gone, I screamed a lot in face of my mother, cuz him, I was very angry and I spoke bad language, I feel sorry for her, the world must change, I mean my little world; I should stop him, and he should knows I become bigger to his shit, he must understands this point, cuz it's enough !! I settled ! 

hey jackass !! Eminem said : 

look if you had one shot, or one opportunity

to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment

would you capture it ? or just let it slip ?

Eminem was angry like me now, I'm angry; there is a friend disagreed with me yesterday, he said the angry is weakness, he didn't know what I can do due to the angry !! the angry is something superior !! it can make you change the maps, kill your mean father, tell your mother the fact, make your brothers better, make the people respect you, something like this,...

look at me, imagine this, you stand up easy, you walk relax, you go towards the enemy, you catch his ears and you raise him up, then you throw him down, and bring your knife and slay him, see with me what the angry can do !! or close your mobile in face of that fuckin' worrisome, that he which says he is your friend, nothing man, a man lives for shit, a man hands shit inside him, a man never thinks about some shit, a man everything he knows; girls; money; girls; money... and some bla bla with some shit, does this machine deserves your friendship ? I don't think, I think he deserves the shit... enough

somebody too looks at you in a street like the bitch's looks, he still looks more and more, he sees your body, your clothes, your walking, your shit, what his fuckin' mission in the life ?? does he have some business ??? oh mean... the only thing you can do, is bursting his eyes forever... someone too, he imagine himself like a hero, and he stands in the street down and he stays bothers the transients, the poor thinks he can imposes himself on the people !! damn ! what he deserves ? of course he deserves the death in a ugliest pictures.

the life here is hard, everything is bad, the people doesn't think, the thinkers is just watching, this country is like the ship when it's drowning down, and everybody thinks intelligently; he will leave this sick place forever.

this is my goal...by the way; fuck the wanter, why the wanter ?? cuz I want asshole !!!

I hate dad

fuck ! why would he pry into my business! I hate his actions with me, I hate his way when he talks to me or he looks at me, I feel his looks hates me, perhaps resents me, I feel his talks angry at me, there is some spark gets out his mouth  when he talks, like the spit but it is different, is similar to the blood or the puke,  then I feel him smelly, a stupid, jerk, all the bad attributes gathers in him, I feel a strong desire to kill hem when he screams in my face, he become like the monster or the volcano ! despot unreasonable man ! fuck him !! what he wants ??? he wants me pray ? work with hem ? for enslaves me ? let's he goes to hell ! or he regrets cuz he fathered me ? let's he kisses my ass ! he must asks himself why !! doesn't come to me and pukes on me his shit ! fuck him from here to his fuckin' bed when he farts !! I will not care about him anymore, I will get out and go on and come back when I want when I would ! and he will grow old more and more, then I will know how I will make him pay the price !! 

so, these words to my dear father :

first, fuck you !

after that, you will pay...

you fuck with me and I will fuck with you as usual 

you scream in my face

you puke your bullshit on my ears

you say:  to much freedom not good

and I say fuck off

I give the freedom to myself 

not that you select my freedom's space

not that you motherfucker !!

you want make me live in your way

I say big no ! I have my way...

and I will live in it

you are screaming angry 

good ! 

continue ! walk your talk

I don't care

you don't know me

you don't know who am I !!

but you will...

and I will teach you a lesson

that you willn't forget it

cuz I'm the evil, I'm the death

that'll leak into your bloods 

I'm the havoc, the anger

I'm free man, and I'll be free ever

nobody can stops me, you too

I will go or come back when I want

when I do

not that you ask me where are you gone ?

that not your business asshole !!

I go when I go 

you can take care of your business

don't ask me thank you fucker

cuz you fathered me

I think when you fucked my mama

nobody asked you why ?

nobody asked you do that

nobody, even me; I didn't !!

don't ask me shit 

cuz I can pass the shit like you

you wasn't my father, never 

for me, you just was a scarecrow !!

I will never forget when you was slapping me

when you was cursing me 

or when you was calling my mom a cow !!

fuck you fuckin' low  !

do you remember that one time

you took me in a picnic ?? 

do you remember that one time

you gave me some dibs from your heart ?

do you remember that one time you did that ??

can you answer ???

I don't think cuz you don't have the answer

cuz you lived always for yours and the others

without us, your family

so, bald monkey, fuckin' old man

don't ask me, don't talk to me

cuz is will be good for your little next years

before you die

before I live

with all my hate

your son Mohammed.

My Private Bullshit

what I can say about myself again? some people knows who I'm, but the many people doesn't; whatever; I will present myself such as the rules accepted; my name is Mohammed; I'm Moroccan from Tangier city, I'm living with my parents and I'm learning the English language in the center of American linguist, I finished my lawful study  last year without distinction, is doesn't matter; so I learned the law though I hate it, I've wanted learn the art in the fine arts school, but they mother-fuckers  refused me, I felt frustrated; after that I chose the fuckin' law, anyway; this is what happened shortly, there are lot of things made me arrives into what I'm now, an atheist loser drinker learned man...

what again ? I'm not doing something important now, I wake up so late between 12:00 and 15:00 GMT, I have a breakfast then I open my computer into 17:00, I get out and meet my friends in the cafe, nothing just bla bla and some conversations good, or we play "parchi", is a Spanish game depends on the smartness and the luck, after that we walk in the direction of the Cornish, little bla bla and returning to the house, only!

at night in my room I enter my private world, chatting with someone, open sites of sex or sites for knowledge, then I smoke and I learn some novel, and I sleep like the dead... junk life, isn't ? mostly it's much better than animals life, and also I'm lucky cuz I find the money to lose it for bullshits, I've got the time for the novels and the bla bla, and if I wouldn't die cuz the cancer I think I can change something ! who knows ? 

bla bla bla data

fuck the time ! I'm having a difficult times, no money enough, no clear future, no real projects, nothing worth ! even the blabber doesn't help, the silence also doesn't help, is it a loss or is the end ? confusion ? what ?? shit ! I can't summon my thoughts, I lose my money everyday for nothing, and I sleep then I wake up without a goal, I live my life without a fire, so how long ? the fuckin' time move !!

I wrote this bullshit yesterday at night... but today I wrote another thing, lets see:

now I'm in the classroom : " when I can go ?! I feel bored ! the solution is going  to the cafe and waiting for the friends, I hope this day be funny, because I feel so bad, I get the money without working, my father put it in a clear place. I don't have choices, but I know he is big mother-fucker and he worth all the things that I do with him, this make me better, so lets all the shit go to the hell, I don't care ! the world hurted me and he will pay !

My First Life 1

We weren't naturals in our family life, everything was different, I personally haven't lived childhood as it should, my father was beating me a lot, he didn't take me for a walk, he didn't bring me gifts when I was succeeding; or when I was doing a good thing, he wan't interested in speaking with me, all this made me a different child, I created a world of my own, in this world there are a beautiful things and other things crazy, like Oscar; the pianist, the witches; and the beautiful princess that changes everyday, today is a Brunette, tomorrow is a blonde, and band of the knights, I'd draw all these in my papers, I still keep some of the drawings, this world made me separated from the real world... this caused my many problems in communicating with others, but now I think I beat the lot of it, maybe yes maybe no, it's important that I feel better, although I live with two faces ! one face for people and other face for me and my special friends...

Me and The Blue Face Owner !

The blue face owner restricted me !

He uprooted the spring from my wails, and He seared me with a hard cold...

He commanded me the rocking onto thousand mirror of his lies

if I wanted him revives me...

He enabled me to horror of nature, and He blessed me from his spark eyes a Grecian Fire...

all this for he makes a dark wrap between me and the people ...
all this... He wanted me turns into a dim mirage wears the beautiful things
then our coffins turns and emits from it the reek small...
and He threatened me if I didn't respect him reckless doctrines
He threatened me to feeding me a types of Prometheus damn...
He threatened me to grilling me if I refused
and installing me onto a bier of needles... and making me regurgitates a juices of the pain, and regurgitates again !
why all this horror ? why all this hatred ? why all this worn bridges that is separates me from my brothers ?
why all this pealed silence ?
I said it in myself, and I announced it like a new sunrise...
No ! Mr Blue ! oh fiery eyes owner, and burning body...
I will not be a container of your chronic diseases after today !
and hence-forth you will not see me; a unrestricted !

First: Recording The Basic Ideas

I will translating my fixed ideas about every-things we live it, ideas talks about the religions, the people, the life, and the death... from Arabic to English...

the first subject that I want translate it is: I don't want a religion !

I don't want a religion !

follow my trace with your platforms and eulogies...

and curse me wherever I am 

your God is cartoon movie

You will not find me

I'm the original in the universe

I'm the life in arteries of the nature 

I'm the only truth...

and You will not find me !

because You make a sky doesn't rain between us... only the honey and the torment...

and You hallow that clouds with Your stupid consciences... 

I'm the only truth... I'm the newspaper

I'm the hydrophobic pen that is exposes what in Your beds... of many crimes 

I'm the hangman, beware of me 

You will not find me !

sell Your spirits to the Gelatinous God !

I will not kneel ! save to myself...

from here I announce my freedom from my Islam !

anymore... You will not restrict me !!

Now, It's Time for action

Yesterday we wondered  about the problems that plaguing the world, I think we all know; previously; the world was wonderful , at least...it's wasn't so bad like as it's now ! Many problems lives with us, born with us and continues after we die... and the next worst

the first always good, after that it begins to decline, I remember when I was a child, I was saw all the world like cartoon movies, just kidding and smiles ... innocent faces, but I had almost certainly that these things will change, actually it began to change, year after year. Every day was carrying the new

At the first I was asking questions, but nobody cared, the questions have became bigger, and in the end I became give the answers for myself, maybe it wasn't correct, but better than nothing, the illusion, the deception, the continuous death

I started from my near existence, my father and my mother, neighbours...I discovered that my father was a rude man, I was found in my mother the love and the tenderness, my small sister wasn't speaks and the neighbours hypocrites people, I began to feel the danger ! The people who loves me is few, my father was hurt me long time, but he helped me through this damage

I learned also how I can protect myself I moved away from my father, no talk with the neighbours, just my mother and TV and the books

I benefited from the life with my special way, I discovered also that the life is full of lies, is not easy to believe everything you are told, you must always searching for the truth, any plausible truth

The result was: breaking many idols, stripping a lot of asses, genocide for all illusions, I was starting to evolve, I was starting to freeing myself, and the series of development continued

Hi Everybody !

at first, I want to thank the Blogger Site for this space, and I want to say: welcome in my blog, I hope you  have fun and benefit here.

why am I here ? I know it's a stupid question, but I will answer, I'm here for the truth , yes truth ! you must believe me I'm looking for the truth and the justice that not yet been achieved, I'm here for the world for me and for you because I know also you will need me for baring the false fact.

the world is full of false facts, this world is full of destructive wars, for what ? for nothing... for bullshit, the Humanity weeps, but it is the reason. and the solution must be found even if this solution is hard.

I feel so sleepy now, I have to go in the direction of the bed, and prior to that I will smoke, so goodbye Ladies and Gentlemen , We will meet soon.